Why Pressured Eating Always Leads to Less Eating
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
When weans are not progressing the way that we hope, and there are no medical issues (constipation, compromised swallow, illness, etc.) that seem to be complicating that progress, the likely culprit is pressured eating.
Because pressured eating always leads to less eating.
This principle is best understood by thinking about how a child’s nervous system works. Broadly speaking, a person’s amygdala (the part of the brain that controls their response to stress or trauma) is fully ready to do its job: from day one, the amygdala is onboard to detect threats or pressure, and to activate the central nervous system to freeze, fight, or flee from those dangers in order to safe. The prefrontal cortex, however, (the part of the brain that plans, reasons logically, makes decisions and controls impulses) is not fully on board until a typically-developing person is around 25-years-old.
Additionally, when a person’s amygdala is “firing,” per say, the nervous system prioritizes that response and diverts attention away from the part of the brain that reasons logically. This means that, in order to respond reasonably to a crisis, a person (of any age) has to regulate their nervous system first so that the prefrontal cortex can begin functioning again.
On the whole, then, we know that children are immediately ready to respond to anything that they perceive as stress or danger, they don’t have the developmental capacity to reason through that stress in order to make productive decisions all on their own. Instead, children learn what their emotions mean, that their emotions make sense, and how to regulate their response to those emotions by interacting with and watching their caregivers: children can’t regulate reasonably on their own; they have to learn how to regulate by co-regulating with their grown-ups.
Now, all of this relates to tube weaning because this is a stressful process – for children and their caregivers!
Tube weaning children often find foods and drinks to be unknown or even scary – especially if eating was painful due to severe reflux, tube discomfort, aspiration, or other complications. They also experience a lot of pressure to engage with food, even though they don’t understand why. Meanwhile, tube weaning parents feel a lot of conflicting pressures: on the one hand, they are responsible to make sure their child gains weight and grows, but on the other hand, there is a valid desire for life to gain some normalcy – and eating orally is a significant part of that! The pull of both priorities is often overwhelming!
When the pressure that parents feel collides with the anxiety that kids feel, the result can be disruptive for everyone! And when children sense growing anxiety, their nervous systems interpret it as “danger,” causing their nervous systems to respond by freezing (locking their mouths shut, pulling away, etc.), fighting (crying, refusing to come to the table, protesting the high chair, etc.), or fleeing (trying to get away, pushing the spoon away, etc.). This brings oral volumes down, and as the eating decreases, parents’ efforts to try and get their kids to eat increase. But when the pressure goes up with prompting, bribing, praising, begging, counting bites, etc., the eating just continues to go down – all of it turning into a vicious and frustrating cycle.
The good news is that there is a way off of this horrible merry-go-round! The hard news is that it requires parents and caregivers to do the intense work of processing their anxiety, to find ways to make sense of their emotions, and to learn how regulate their response to stress. When it comes to eating, regulation looks like practicing the Division of Responsibility (DOR) with consistency – regardless of how the child initially responds. When parents choose what to offer and when, and then trust their child to choose if they eat and how much without parental prompting or interference, the child gradually learns to regulate in accordance with the regulation of their caregiver.
This means that the result of consistently practicing DOR is emotional regulation: not only do parents start to find peace in controlling what they can control, but children experience relief as they learn how to co-regulate alongside their parents. And when children are regulated, and the freeze, fight, or flight response becomes unnecessary when food is presented, they become able to hear their appetite cues and much more open to exploring new things – including food!
So, if you find that your wean is not progressing the way that you hoped it would, and there’s nothing medical that’s interfering with your progress, check your pressure. If pressured eating always leads to less eating – and it does! – then peaceful eating should lead to more.