Boundaries at Mealtimes, pt 5: What to do When My Child Doesn’t Want to Come to the Table
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
Amanda Kyle, MA, CCC-SLP
There is no human stronger than a child who has decided that they will not do the thing that they are being asked to do. In equal measure, there is no human more frustrated than the parent who knows that “doing the thing” will help their stubborn little leader to live a happier and healthier life. And there is no scenario more primed for these overwhelming interactions than a weaning scenario.
One of the more common scenes that parents describe to us is the one where a parent is asking a child to come to the table for a meal or snack, and the child outright refuses. In that moment, both parties – parent and child – find themselves at a stalemate: the child may still feel apprehensive around food or may not want to leave the more engaging activity they’ve been enjoying, while the parent wants to establish firm expectations without making mealtimes feel pressured or negative. It really is a valid conundrum! And it’s one that is best solved by remembering what a boundary is, that boundaries help children to feel safe, and that refusal behaviors are normal, developmentally-appropriate responses for children to have! So, when this happens, and your child refuses to come to the table for a meal or snack, set a boundary that considers the following principles.
Offer empathy, reassurance and companionship.
Kids who are learning new skills and feeling uncomfortable in their bodies need a lot of empathy from their caregivers. They need their caregivers to remember that this learning process is hard and scary, so when your child protests coming to the table – which is a valid response to an activity that hasn’t felt very good in the past, and is particularly challenging when they are feeling hungry for the first time – be sure to take the time to let your child know that you see and understand the challenge.
This can look like getting down on their level, naming the emotion you see, and offering the opportunity for connection. In my house, I adopted a script that sounded something like this: “Oh, I hear you. You’re feeling mad because you don’t want to stop playing to come for snack. It can be hard to stop something you like. We can come back to play after we have snack, so would you like to sit in your chair or on my lap?”
In this way, you’re helping your child to feel seen, you’re validating their emotion, and you’re offering them connection within the boundary that you’ve set – rather than eliminating the boundary to make the sad/frustrated feeling stop.
Remind them that coming to the table does not require eating.
Most kids know that coming to the table means it’s time to eat, and some kids have strong opposition to that! And while coming to the table does have a tie to eating time, there are many ways that parents can help to neutralize that by letting children know that the expectation is only to come to the table – they do not have to eat if they choose not to (and if they choose not to, the natural consequence of that is feeling hungry at the next offer. While feeling hungry might be uncomfortable, it’s not a medical emergency that parents need to avoid).
This might sound like, again, coming down to their level, acknowledging their protest, and reaffirming the expectation. In my house, that sounds like saying, “Ok. I hear that you don’t want to eat right now. You do not have to eat, but you do need to come and sit with us at the table.” In this way, you are helping your child to feel heard, reminding them that eating is not required, and holding the boundary.
Stay consistent.
Even if the adjustment into a new routine is challenging, the big picture reality is that kids thrive within consistent boundaries and expectations. The long-term goal of weaning from tube feeds is the growth into a life that is more typical, more normal – and “normal” routines include regular opportunities to eat. So, if the expectation is for kids to move into a “normal” routine, where they are able to respond to their appetites and meet their nutritional needs, we as parents have to embrace the new reality that include regular opportunities to eat – whether we are at home or on-the-go!
Now, all of this said, the most important principle to embrace as you venture into a new sense of consistency is this: behaviors always get worse before they get better. Children are wired to test those boundaries in order to find out what will stick and what won’t, so parents who are beginning a new level of consistency in mealtimes, should expect resistance. And your best response is one that includes empathy, compassion, and consistency because that is what will, in time (about 2 weeks-ish), a more regulated and consistent response from your child.