Scripts, part 1: What Parents Can Say in the Heat of the Moment
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
Even the best parents lose their temper from time to time – and there’s not one of us who doesn’t feel intense shame when we do! And while we all ought to extend ourselves a bit more compassion for being the humans that we are, one tool that will help during intense moments is a set of parenting scripts.
A “parenting script” is a plan for what to say when you are helping your child navigate an intense or difficult situation. Compassionate scripts tend to follow this sequence:
The see the child: All people desire to be seen, known and understood, so beginning your response by acknowledging that you see the emotion your child is trying to navigate helps to meet that need with compassion and empathy.
They show empathy for the feeling. In addition to being seen and known, all people want to know that their feelings make sense. Parents can provide this by empathizing and validating the emotion the child is navigating.
They hold loving boundaries. While it’s tempting to adjust a boundary to make a child’s “bad” feeling go away, the parent’s job is to remember that boundaries are not punishment – they are loving safeguards. So after seeing and empathizing with a child’s reaction, parents need to lovingly hold the boundary that’s been established.
They offer companionship. It’s not your job to make hard feelings go away, but it is your job to be with your child IN the feeling. Offering closeness and companionship helps children to know that their big, hard feelings are safe with you – and that you will work with them to navigate through them.
This sequence is helpful in all sorts of parenting dilemmas, and might sound something like this: “(1) I can see that you feel really angry! (2) You wanted Johnny’s toy, and he didn’t want to share with you. It’s really hard when you don’t get what you want! (3) But I cannot let you hit Johnny because that’s not safe. (4) So I’m going to sit right here with you while you calm your body down so that you can make safe choices again.”
When it comes to weaning, it might sound a bit like this: “(1) I can see that you feel mad! (2) You wanted to eat goldfish for lunch, but I didn’t offer that today. It’s really hard when you don’t get the food that you want! I know how that feels. (3) I did bring you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. (4) Would you like to sit on my lap, and we can eat lunch together?”
In both scenarios, we would encourage a parent to kneel down to the child’s size/level and to lower their voice to a compassionate level. By doing this, they are showing a level of restraint and self-regulation, which is important because it will help the child to co-regulate alongside of them.
So before you find yourself in a scenario where you just can’t think of what to say or how to make it all better, take some time to practice this script: the more you practice, the more prepared you will be to respond compassionately in the heat of the moment! And the more consistent you are in utilizing this script, the more your child will come to know that they are safe with you because you are kind and consistent.